When We Met

We met: at the end of October.

They tell me we had met prior to this

But really I don’t recall

I will always call this the first time.

We met: In the worst time of my life

I was leaving him

And you were helping pack up my life

You didn’t know me

But you still offered to help a stranger move

And wanted nothing in return

When we met: I thought you were cute.

But my “best friend” was crazy about you

She talked about you non-stop

She made it seem like you both had this amazing connection

She wanted me to help setthe two of you up.

And because I was numb to emotions and needed to feel something

I agreed to help

That first month after we met: Was a whirlwind of emotions.

I was sad, scared and lost

You were a comforting shoulder to cry on

Someone I looked forward to talking to everyday

Someone I looked forward to seeing

I assume any feeling I had were because you were the first person to be nice to me in over 6 months

Of course, It wouldn't have mattered anyway because she wanted to be with you

And it was my job to try and make it happen
So I ignored those feeling
and I tried to help

I asked all the right questions, I dropped just enough hints, I set up all the right hangouts.

I did everything I thought was right.

The weeks after we met: Behind the scenes would show

That my feelings were growing

But I continued to suppress them

Because that is what good friends do... right?

I was in no place to have feelings for anyone

I didn’t even like me

I was still constantly destroying myself

She continued to tell me you had to like me better

Because I was “thinner”

Making comments relecting that the only reason you would ever like me is because I’m thin.

The night I met feelings: happened to be the night she had said she was going to tell you hers

She chickened out - and wanted me to do it for her.

What she didn’t know is that was the same night my heart actually skipped a beat when I saw you

That was the night I realized. I never stopped smiling whenever we were together

Or when I would hear your name

Or when you messaged me

That was the day I realized I had caught feelings deeper than just friendship.

But-I kept my mouth shut and did my job.

I told you I wanted to set you two up, you made a comment explaining that you were not interested in her like that

I left it at that and let her know.

She said it was fine and she would be over it soon

But we know how that worked out.

I still kept my feelings to myself

Since I had no idea if you felt the same

And I was in no place mentally for rejection

The night we met feelings: was a holiday

My excitement level was at an all-time high

And so was my anxiety

Part of me knew it was wrong to have feelings for the guy my friend liked

No matter how many times she said she was over it

But head and heart don’t always say the same things

I changed 7 times that day

I was shaking with nerves when you came to get me

It ended up being the best holiday I had in a long time

I spent the night at your place

Nothing happened, but everything happened.

It was apparently to me then

That this was mutual

The day we met the backlash: was the day I told my “best friend” I had feelings for you

I knew she would be upset- but you both never dated

So I assumed she would do what I would do in this situation

And let people be happy

I was wrong

And I was wrong about everything else following this day

Then whirlwind started.

The lies, the rumors, the back stabbing,

the purposely making drama to keep two people away.

It worked

you told me you only wanted to be friends

I felt every possible piece of sadness

But I accepted it because I knew I messed up

By thinking someone else could let go of their feelings.

Five months after we met: my feelings for you some how keep growing

I still look forward to your messages

I still smile every time I see you

My heart still races when you are around.

I still have an irrational want to be around you a much as possible.

The difference this time

Is that you picked someone else.

And I have to be okay with that

Even if it tugs at my heart strings

Because I would rather be friends with you than not have you around at all.





It's funny how sometimes you sit down to write something and the words just flow.
It's  even funnier when while you are in the editing process so many things happen and everything you wrote seems even more relevant. 
I wrote this post about 2 days before we hung out- before someone asked the question "how did you two meet"(Don't worry blogger friends- we corrected them and let them know we are just friends)
I had never heard you tell your view of this story before. And when I did it felt like I was reading the other half of what I had just written. 
But that is a story (hopefully) for another time and place, because this one still ends the same. 

Xo-C