Follow Your Arrow.

When I first started grad school- I had gotten into yoga. I spent way more money than I should have on classes and really allowed myself to get intertwined with the practice and the teaching of yoga. After about a year of practices a few time a week, I noticed a huge shift in my mental health ( for those who do not know me- I deal with depression, General Anxiety Disorder and Eating Disorders/ Body Dysmorphic Disorder. ) It was around that time I started looking at research that focused on Yoga practice and holistic healing for mental disorders and ED. I became excited and engulfed with the idea of using yoga/meditation with recovery and treatment. I had filled filled with research articles regarding the topic, I was trying to increase the number of times I could make it to classes, and I was even debating seeing if I could make a PhD thesis out of this spark and excitement...

This passion went on until about my last year of grad school. It was about this time I started second guessing everything in my life. I was petrified that I "wasn't going to be good enough " to do any of the things I had spent 8 years working towards. I was even more paranoid that people would think I was "a poser" or "a weirdo" for thinking that I could be “good enough” at yoga to be able to use it to help and inspire others.  It was then that I not only dropped the idea of my research but I also gave up yoga as a whole out of fear of never being "good enough"

When I moved to Huntsville my income was so low that I couldn't afford classes even if I had wanted to. When I started dating T he was the type of person who thought all that holistic stuff was "hippy shit". Though he never specifically said that he would judge me in any way for doing it- I was always afraid he would start to think all the things my anxiety was already telling me. So I continued to pull away from the want and excitement that came along with that passion.

Flash forward to the end of 2016- I'm depressed and slowly losing my mind ( if you are new here- check out past post to get an idea of what was going on). Right before I went back to Mass for the holidays I reconnected with one of my favorite people (who shall be referred to as L. ) She and I lost touch for a while, not due to anything bad, but because we were both super busy with our lives that time passed quicker than we thought. Of course, as soon as we reconnected it was like nothing had changed with us- But it was like everything changed for her. She was more confident, more self-aware, and more in touch with her own life than I had seen her in the almost 14 years we have known one another. of course I had to know how she did it.  

Her story is one I have read a million times, but it never really hits you until you can actually SEE the change in someone you know and love.  Her advice, Be Unapologetic and do what makes you happy. Who cares what others think, who cares if it isn't what other people enjoy, If you love it then do it.  And don't wait for someone to tell you that it is okay to enjoy the things you love. As simple as it sounds and how easy of a solution as it is, it wasn't really until then did I really understand how much I have given up in fear of either not being good enough or being scared of failure.

I don't want to be like that anymore- I don't want to be so afraid of failing that I don't allow myself to do things that make me happy.  With that said - I plan to try and bring back what I had started back in grad school. I knew back that I wanted to mix yoga practice into my social work practice. I am upset with myself for letting my fear get in the way of something I knew I wanted. But I am also not going to let myself continue to let myself give up everything I enjoy.