The Road to Body's Choice.

My relationship with my body has never been a good one.

Well at least for as long as I can remember it hasn’t been a good one.

Over the years I have put my body through every type of hell that I can think of. 

Yo-Yo diet, juice cleanses, detox diets, starvation, purging, over exercises, severe restriction. 

You name it I have probably attempted it at some point.

And for what?

The hope of reaching this idea of perfection that has been drilled into my head since I was at least 11 years old 

This idea that I need to be a size zero or I will never be worth anything in life. 

That until I reach that holy grail of a number- I am not worthy of love, friendship or food. 

Over the last few months,

I have been trying very hard to restructure my way of thinking into a more intuitive way

Or as we have dubbed it Body’s Choice( big  thanks to the ladies over at Call Your Girlfriends Podcast for that term)

Sooo...

What is that?

It is listening to what your body wants, and not what your anxiety thinks it wants

It is being able to allow yourself some slack and some wiggle room without going into full blown fear

It is feeling like you can do, say, eat and wear whatever you want because you are perfectly unperfect.

It is… A lot harder than it sounds.

Some people are born with this ability.

They are so good at it that they may have never thought about it before.

They may not even realize it is a problem for people.

But for those of us,

the ones who struggle every day to look in a mirror,

or have a freak out every time they have to get dressed,

or wear the same 6 things because they believe they are the only things they look good in…

This is a life changing thing.

This is a whole new mindset

This is one of the scariest things we have ever tried

If you have ever had to change a way of thinking you will know how difficult it is.

This isn’t going to be a quick fix for me, or for any of us dealing with it.

There will be slip back ( so many slip backs)

There will be nights crying on the floor due to irrational emotions

There will still be self-hatred

There will be people who don’t understand and don’t care to understand

But it won't all last.  

It will get to a point where ice cream is just ice cream

Where you can go out with your friends without an excel spreadsheet worth of caloric information

Where you feel comfortable enough to wear whatever you want and not care what others think

Where you work out because you love it not because it burns the most calories.

Where you are happy with yourself as a whole.

At least that is what they tell me. I’m still working to get there.

But I hope to be there,

and I hope to see all of you who are going through the same struggles on that side with me one day.