A Random Day of Self Reflection

I needed to take an unplanned moment to write about one thing I found a personal accomplishment over the last week. I’m not usually one to brag about accomplishment- but for where I am in my personal recovery from this last relapse, I’m going to break my normal and brag aways. 

Last weekend I was seriously in my feelings- I felt down and useless and like all I wanted to do was hide away and waste away. (aka- I wanted to lock myself in my room and starve until I felt worthy of anything again.) Normally I would have allowed myself to do this even though I know it is a slippery slope to heading back to my old ways.  

Instead, I took an idea from the good book of Jess Lively and listened to what my intuition really wanted. This is something I have been trying to do a lot more of but have still been having issues fighting against that ego. That side of my brain that keeps telling me that nothing I do is ever going to be good enough. 

But this past weekend I fought it. 

On Friday I asked myself “what do you really want to do tonight”

 My intuition said it really wanted to go to the movies… and it really wanted popcorn. 

So I did- I invited my group chat to the movies since it was late notice only one person could go. When we got there we ordered our ticket and some movies snacks- The guy behind the counter seemed to like us and was in a really good mood. He upped all our snacks without charging. My small popcorn turned into a large and my friends one drink. Turned into a large drink for each of us.  Normally this would have sent me into anxiety- thinking about how I shouldn’t be eating the popcorn at all and obsessively counting how many hours at the gym I would need to have the following day just to burn off this snack. 

But I didn’t. Instead, I sat down, put the popcorn in the middle of the two of us. And probably ate half the bag myself while watching Chris Pratt be creepy and sexy all at once.

And this was just the start- I went to the bar afterward and allowed myself one beer. They had one of my favorites that I hadn’t had in awhile. I did this with no plans of calorie punishment afterward. 

Then I danced. To have fun. Not to burn off food calories. Not to “get steps to win the challenge” 

But because I love to dance. 

On Saturday I went to yoga with my friends. Not as a punishment for the night before- But because we had made the plans earlier in the week and I love spending time with my fit fam. I volunteered afterward and had planned to leave early and go running- But I was having fun so I decided to stay the whole time. It was then decided that some of us would go to lunch. I struggled with this choice a lot- do I work out and burn calories or do I go and eat more calories?…

This is when I asked my intuition- Running didn’t really have a time frame: I had already missed group run at this point and this was time to spend with friends I don’t normally see. 

So I went and I ate in front of people I don’t normally eat around. I ate ice cream without guilt or sadness attached to it. I stayed later than I had planned and drove a friend home. And after that, I went for my run. But not because I wanted to burn off the calories I had eaten. But because I wanted to get my run in for the day so that I would feel more confident about running Ragnar in a few weeks. 

On Sunday slept most of the day with no guilt. The only workout I did was a barre class at 3 pm. 

Again not a single piece of guilt. 

For most people, they are probably wondering why any of this is a big deal. This is what normal humans do on a day to day basis.

 But for me-  this is progress. This is an insane amount of progress I didn’t even know I had accomplished yet.

 This is me starting to see a light at the end of this tunnel. 

It is far away. But it is there.