The on Going Battle of Head and Heart

…. Or the battle of Ego and Intuition

( thanks, Jess Lively because your podcast is my life now…)

I have been working hard the past few months to align myself to be able to listen to my intuition and my soul more and my overthinking anxiety-brain less.

In most of the aspect of my life, this has been working very well.

With work -

I have started to really listen to myself and what I want out of my career and not just what I think I need to be doing.

With friendships-

I have continued to surround myself with the people who make my days better and make me better. And I have removed those (as much as possible) who cause me stress, anxiety or anger.

With Eating/ Working out-

I am still struggling- but I am listening to my intuition (or Body’s Choice as a friend called it from another podcast we listen to.) And I am in a much better space than I was in 2016.

With that feeling of not doing enough of things I love:

I know what is missing from my life now and it is travel ( more about this at a later date).  I know what types of things I want to be doing and I have started putting those ahead of the things I don’t want to do.  For the most part, I have stopped going to things I didn’t really want to do because I felt like I was expected to be there.

All of these and more have started to find their way into alignment and I couldn’t be happier.

Of course, there is always that one part of me that just cannot follow the lead and find its balance.

Per usual that is the romantic/connections/sense of love side of the balance wheel.

This is where the battle of head and heart go into full blown world war three in just about every aspect.

Head Says: You are always going to be alone

Heart Says: and that is ok

Head Says: You will never be good enough for anyone

Heart says: But you already are

Head Says: Stop being so fucking weird

Heart Says: weird is what makes you. You.

Head Says: Stay away from him because you will never compete with what he could get

Heart Says:  Keep him close to your soul.

Head Says: Give up on everything- because you have already wasted your chances.

Heart says: nothing is wasted.

Clearly, I can tell which is anxiety brain speaking and which is the more logical way of thinking in all but one situation. (more on that at a later time).

But that does not make it any easier to follow.

It hasn’t allowed me to stop the constant crying and breakdowns because I don’t know what I’m doing with myself.

Once the Head gets into this side of the balance wheel it slowly moves its way into all the others.

It is cancerous at times.

Just spreading its way through my mental space until I can barely get myself out of bed.

And no matter what I do I haven’t been able to keep the balance.

I’ll align for a week or two. And then something will happen:

Turned down for a date, or a Facebook proposal, Someone will mention a wedding, another baby will join the group, I’ll see your face or your name will be mentioned,  or just seeing how in love the people around me are

And everything is thrown off balance once again

and I end up perpetually stuck in the eternal battle of Head and Heart.