The Old Cassi Can't Come to the Phone Right Now....

Anniversaries are not always things to be celebrated.

But they will always be something you remember

And for me

Fall is now filled with ones I would rather forget.

September Brings:

..the one year of when I figured out for certain

..the one year since the relapse

..the one year of “the fight” that made me second guess everything about you.

..the one year of the time I took a handful of sleeping pills and hoped for the best

...the one year of the night you told me the gun would have been quicker

...the one year of when you literally ripped our home apart because you couldn’t handle that I was depressed.

October brings:

.. the memory of when you brought her into our home while I was out of town.

...the memory of you trying to sweet talk me into not moving out

… The memory of the shit you tried to cause while I was moving out

November will bring the memories of when you continued to harass me. When you couldn’t just leave things alone and had to constantly remind me of how you loved me. But you also love her more.  How you blamed me for your friends thinking you were a trash person. How you continued to make me feel small without even being a fixture in my life anymore.

So where does that leave me right now?

In a place where I can barely keep my head on straight.

But I am spending this fall taking it all back.

I will not allow the actions from YOU define how I feel during my favorite time of the year

I will not allow your memory to float me back into my life and take away all the progress I have made

I almost picked that book back off the shelf.

Almost reread those pages.

But instead

I’m burning it.