When Anxiety Brain Takes Over.
It amazes me how quickly I can go from being perfectly fine to having the want to hold up in my house and cry for days.
All without any sign of real reason for the mental swap.
How I can come back from a great weekend with friends and feel more alone than ever.
How I can sit at home and search for the common factor of my mood change- and somehow it somehow leads back to me thinking of you.
Friday was exactly one year since we had our last good day together.
June 5th will be one year since everything changed. (Thanks Twitter for the reminder)
One year since you put aside all the good things in our relationship to focus on one negative. This one thing that we still don’t know if it was my fault or yours. The one thing that shouldn’t have even NEEDED to have blame pointed at someone.
It has been almost one year since you decided you loved her, even though it took you another 5 months to let me in on this.( If I hadn’t figured it out who knows how much longer this could have gone on for.)
It has been almost exactly one year since I realized that I was never going to be good enough for you or anyone else.
But even with all that- even with the knowledge of all the things that happened. I’d take you back in a heartbeat.
Because I’m so fucked up that I would rather live a lie than be living alone.
Because I’m not good at being nobody’s anything.
It is not how I am made to function.
I am conditioned to be the person who takes care of someone else.
Who puts someone else's needs above her own.
Who makes their life a better place.
I don’t even like you, but I still like you more than I like myself.
And I know that if it is not you, It will be a clone of you.
Someone else who make me feel like I might be good enough if I just try a little harder to be the person who does everything for them.
Someone who makes their life easier and gives them what they need.
That is how the cycle works.
The cycle I’m not strong enough to break.
The cycle I don’t see a point in breaking anymore.
I know my worth. And this is it.
To spend the remainder of my time dreaming of the guys who could never want to be with me
While living with the ones who could care less about me.
All because it is easier than being alone.
Or trying to make myself a better person
Because at (almost) 29, it is already too late for me.
All without any sign of real reason for the mental swap.
How I can come back from a great weekend with friends and feel more alone than ever.
How I can sit at home and search for the common factor of my mood change- and somehow it somehow leads back to me thinking of you.
Friday was exactly one year since we had our last good day together.
June 5th will be one year since everything changed. (Thanks Twitter for the reminder)
One year since you put aside all the good things in our relationship to focus on one negative. This one thing that we still don’t know if it was my fault or yours. The one thing that shouldn’t have even NEEDED to have blame pointed at someone.
It has been almost one year since you decided you loved her, even though it took you another 5 months to let me in on this.( If I hadn’t figured it out who knows how much longer this could have gone on for.)
It has been almost exactly one year since I realized that I was never going to be good enough for you or anyone else.
But even with all that- even with the knowledge of all the things that happened. I’d take you back in a heartbeat.
Because I’m so fucked up that I would rather live a lie than be living alone.
Because I’m not good at being nobody’s anything.
It is not how I am made to function.
I am conditioned to be the person who takes care of someone else.
Who puts someone else's needs above her own.
Who makes their life a better place.
I don’t even like you, but I still like you more than I like myself.
And I know that if it is not you, It will be a clone of you.
Someone else who make me feel like I might be good enough if I just try a little harder to be the person who does everything for them.
Someone who makes their life easier and gives them what they need.
That is how the cycle works.
The cycle I’m not strong enough to break.
The cycle I don’t see a point in breaking anymore.
I know my worth. And this is it.
To spend the remainder of my time dreaming of the guys who could never want to be with me
While living with the ones who could care less about me.
All because it is easier than being alone.
Or trying to make myself a better person
Because at (almost) 29, it is already too late for me.
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